i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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