If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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