You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
