I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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