I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
