i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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