i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
