I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dear god my vagina.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
