Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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