woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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