Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
