I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
