stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize