Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize