Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
