did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
