You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
