I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
