I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
