Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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