the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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