The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im holly from the hills drunk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
