My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
