I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
