one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
