There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
