Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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