my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
