just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
