3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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