Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
