I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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