I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
