I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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