Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
