I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
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We are two peas in an std pod
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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