I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?