We're facebook friends in real life
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.