I'm laying in your front yard are you home
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth