Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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