Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
