I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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