I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
