laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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