My ATM looks so different sober.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
