Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
