There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
