I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will be naked everywhere
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
