I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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