Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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