hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
