I am midnight drunk by noon
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
