the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
