proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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