I need to stop coming to work sober
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
