***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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