Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
